where did the month of april go?

beats me.
i'm back, after a 12 day stint in the lovely US, specifically new england, more specifically VT/NH/MA. my vacation, despite not being in greece or sicily with the others - or poland - or amsterdam, was wonderful. all those people get to go home in a couple weeks or so. bryan is staying til the end of may. but almost everyone is headed out.
anyways - i digress... or digest as some might say.
my vacation was wonderful. spending time at home, doing nothing, going to MHC to see friends and talk to professors about my life plans (vomit) having meagan and bekki come up to visit - it was quite magical. the little dose of comfort i needed to get through the next couple months. yikes.
i've had some thoughts on returning - although i'm absolutely exhausted and confused as to what time it really is. the first is that i don't think i could call france home - even while i live here. i was tlkaing with a couple old ladies on the plane (i orignally wrote phone there - WOW) who asked if i was part of the student groups (high schoolers, i might add) headed to spain. i said no, i was working in france so i was headed back there. and they said "ohhhh so you're headed home! how nice! great place to live!" i don't know if they thought i was french or not. i don't think so - i was chatting it up with them outside the toilets for a while but all i thought was "naw ladies, i'm leaving home to go back to my apartment in france". of course i didn't say this, i just raved about how close my house was to castles.
which is true - it's not all bad here, (just wrote bad with two d's because color me badd came on my itunes... i'm really in rare form) as katie said "when i have a bad day, i'm like shit i'm in holyoke. when you have a bad day it's like oh yeah i'm in france" true statement. road trips to different parts of france are fun, the friends i've made are great, and WHEN IT STOPS RAINING EVERY 20 DAYS the city is beautiful. no, i'm not kidding. it rains here all the freakin time. i left 70 degree weather in new england to come home to rain. anyways. i think the hardest part about being here is the constant reminder that this ISN'T home, even if i wanted it to be. it has been so hard to assimilate and be accepted here as an american, or maybe just as a foreigner, but definitely as an american. which i expected. but at some point, after being here for a few months, i guess i imagined it to become obvious to everyone that i was here for a while and that i wasn't as close minded as they thought. but every time i meet a new person - the same subject comes up: the president, mcdonald's, LA/hollywood/miami, religion in relation to schools, overweight americans, and the death penalty. when they don't bring these things up - i'm shocked. someone always does though. i've stopped getting angry and have learned how to change the subject of a conversation. many methods.
when you come right down to it - i am american. and i am quite proud of it. not to say i'm about to be waving an american flag screaming stars and stripes forever down rue national here - although i did sing the star spangled banner in place plum one of my first nights here. the opinions these people have of my country are generally based on television and movies - the people who have been there understand my frustrations. when i'm told i come from the land of george bush i want to scream I'M FROM VERMONT YOU JACKASS. HE'S OUR PRESIDENT BUT THE MAN IS FROM TEXAS AND TEXAS AND VERMONT ARE TWO DIFFERENT PLACES. I'M FROM THE LAND OF HOWARD DEAN. REMEMBER THAT GUY? HE'S NUTS. but i have learned to control my anger, laugh, and say right. half the time these people don't know what they're talking about, and i've learned that i can't teach them. better to just enjoy my time here with the good people, doing the things i love here, and forget about the rest. i can't teach an entire culture about my culture in a night. and it's not my responsibility.
my responsibility is to teach my young'uns about the US and english and whatnot. maybe that some of them need to start wearing deoderant, even at age 11. sorry, that was mean. but there is one girl in one of our classes and the teacher and i will take turns opening the window and door. it's bad.
again - i digress/digest. i've got two months left. if i'm more awake tomorrow, and feeling a bit more positive, then i will do lesson plans. after giving them their tests i see that i have one class of geniuses. they are all brilliant. oh my goodness. so anyways. what i was going to say; i may try to plan out as much of the next two months as possible - my one class moves so slowly cause mondays are missed so much - and i only see them mondays. but whatever. their teacher doesn't seem too concerned, nor does she have much faith in my superiors. i have learned that, as the brilliant lenore reilly carlisle put it - i want to be in schools, but i don't want my own classroom. i do NOT want to be a teacher. i love the environment of schools, but nono. no teaching for me. maybe if i see a program in a school i agree with. the problem here? they have a standard they want these kids to live up to - and we don't have a standard to reach for... or the means to get there. we have our progressions, which are guides as to what they should be learning. fact of the matter is- none of us are certified english teachers, specifially ESL teachers. that's what they need. we are not able to reach these standards because we are not qualified. if they really want to bring their program up to a higher level... they need to make some serious changes.
which brings me to....
what am i doing with myself after france. OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOO
the ever-looming question.
well. working as a school counselor has been put on the table for me. so that widens my choices - but also helps me figure out what kind of a path i want to be on in grad school. now i've started looking into schools of education and not just psychology - that helps a great deal. still thinking clinical - don't get me wrong, but i need to do more research - literally, have to have more experience with research to boost my application and also research programs more. i have yet to hear back from UW professors i e-mailed (sad face). but we'll see how it rolls out.
wow! on that note, i'm going to go be useless for a bit before alyson gets back and we do laundry.
later gators