ohhh la vache

my desire to go home grows every day.
despite the fact that i love the people here very much, i love my apartment, and school is honestly going smoothly
i find myself yearning for my girls, my family, my dog, and all familiar things.
my itunes is on shuffle, and there's christmas music on there. i can't listen to christmas music when it's not christmas time to begin with, but when the music from the charlie brown christmas comes on, my heart HURTS. i was talking with a friend online just now, and meant to write the word "him" and i wrote "home" right as the alternate take of greensleves from charlie brown christmas came on.
wow.
it's almost bad enough that i want to change my flight.
almost. i should travel some, i really should. so i will.

i've just never stopped feeling like a stranger. which is not odd - i am a stranger here. i am an american girl living in france. but i've never felt fully welcomed. my schools have done a somewhat decent job. some of the teachers much more than others. my friends, yes they were welcoming, but the majority of them came from somewhere other than france, and i think we bonded over being strangers in this land.
as i said before - i've never had an experience where i have felt so strongly about so many things. which is good - it rattled my cage, changed me as a person, and helped me grow. but i'm ready to relax, to let down my guard, to not feel the need to always defend my people or my country or even myself. to get hugs and not bisous. to make casserole in an oven and not on the stove top. to watch tv with commercials in the middle. to see a baseball game. to drink a long trail beer. to laugh and be loud and have it be okay. to be respected. to not feel an ache almost every day when i get those lovely reminders that i don't quite fit here.

but enough with the sadness - three more weeks of teaching then i'm out of here and back stateside july 9. yesssss