well folks

isn't this a pretty picture? it's at the musee des beaux arts. of course the flowers aren't there now since it's so cold, but i figured i'd put a little spot of happy pink flower fun in this entry.
normally i try to keep the emotional, more intimate entries out of here, and in the paper journal. but, i feel as though this is part of the journey, or at least what's happening with me is so influenced by this whole adventure, that i can share.
and for those of you who know - hilary doesn't share her emotions well with others. so this is a big deal.
but i guess that's a good place to start. i came over here, very convinced of who i was, confident in my identity, sure of my plans. things have started to change. being over here, i've discovered parts of my personality that i had no idea existed. i have, for starters, been forced to be way more independent than i am used to, and this caused a mild bout of depression when i first got here. it was emphasized when those fraudulent charges were made to my account, and when my check for 3,000 euros was somehow missing from the french bank. i cried over that a lot. more than i care to admit. but, i figured out how i work in situations like that. i figured out how me, alone, without the influence of family and friends, deals with damned bankers. granted, i did call my parents in tears and my father told me to make the bank feel like shit and cry in front of them, but in the end i do feel as though i was fairly independent throughout the whole thing.
i think i've always associated independence with being alone. and being alone with being lonely. which, i have learned, is not the case. independence does not mean being alone at all. AT ALL. and being alone, doesn't mean being lonely. some of my loneliest moments here, i have been surrounded by other people, next to my roommate, living with a family, or at a party. some of my favorite days and moments have been alone. wow. just looking at the first sentence or two of this paragraph makes me laugh. it's crazy how much i think i have grown in these past three-ish months.
i don't want to say that i've grown up. i'm not sure about that. if i've been maturing in the same manner as the wine these people are so proud of matures. but i think, i've grown. and i think, i've figured out somethings about myself that were never brought to my attention living in the states. i've had to tap into a different set of coping skills. i've had to learn to adapt to something much greater than a new living situation or a new class. it's a completely different way of life over here. i feel myself changing just a little everyday.
today, as i was walking home, i thought for a minute that maybe i was "lost". not in the sense that i didn't know where i was going - my physical sense of direction is actually quite keen and my house is insanely easy to get to - but emotionally. not in the OH MY GOD I'M GOING NOWHERE AND WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH MY LIFE sense. but in the sense that coming over here has rattled my perception of, well, myself. and who i want to be. and where i want to be. i had a funny experience with scotland, where i felt the same way i did at MHC. i spent very little time there, and i knew that was where i wanted to be. i even took a peek at the application forms for graduate programs at st. andrews and univ. of edinburgh, although edinburgh has more programs that interest me, st. andrews has a social psych program that looks interesting enough but i'd like to do something applied or developmental or educational. edinburgh as 2 out of those 3. but i'm not thinking about that yet.
so yes. i'm feeling lost. not panicked. although i did call stimmer ranting and raving about absolutely nothing last night. but lost in a good sense. i've had my senses shaken and i'm starting to finally wake up to who i am. it may be a somewhat difficult and painful adventure, but i'm glad it's finally happening.
i'm also slipping into the role of teacher a little better. i had one student give me a card wishing me a "lately christmas". because belated is so not a word they would know. and i had three students draw me pictures today after they finished with their work in their books. it was cute.
i have nothing to do tomorrow and i am so excited to sleep. i have been running myself ragged, trying to enjoy every second of vacation. that just made me think of a calvin and hobbes strip where calvin in insistent on running around chasing down the last 2 days of summer. but i had an incredible vacation with very little rest, and the past couple nights i've been unable to sleep. although last night, once i did sleep, i didn't move until this morning when my alarm went off. i woke up holding my cellphone in my hand, and my sweatshirt was on the pillow next to my head. i must have just crashed once i got into bed. i may also be exhausted due to the fact my schedule has been changed around, and now monday is a 5 class day, tuesday is a 6 class day, and thursday is a 5 class day. but, in case you didn't notice, now i only work 3 days a week. i have a 3 day weekend, and wednesdays i can't work because the schools in france don't meet on wednesdays. or they only meet in the morning. it varies. the boy pictured above made a christmas card in class on the last day. they all did. but he was pretty awesome about it.
oh, and starz in their eyes just came on my itunes. this song makes me thing of scotland and the new year and stimmer and katie. oh, it makes me happy but gives me a big of a knot in the throat/chest thing. i like having these happy memories. i just hate for them to end.
in any case, i'm going to get going y'all.